Monday, November 24, 2008

PANDA ATTACK!

Most adorable mauling ever.

A Chinese man was attacked by a panda bear after he sneaked into its cage and tried to cuddle with it. It’s a strange incident, but one thing’s for certain: if “Of Mice and Men” had taken place in China, it would have been a much shorter book… and probably cuter too... plus Lenny would have gotten away with the raping. Well, maybe "cute" isn't the word, but you know... hilarious.

Friday, November 21, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 11:57 PM EST

The release of the first Guns ‘n’ Roses album in 15 years will not cause the end of the world in itself, but it will lead to it. Friday night, on the way out the door to a Chinese Democracy listening party, Axl Rose catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

He stops and stares for a moment, then decides to change his clothes.

He’s ready to go, but he realizes he needs to fix his hair, which admittedly is quite an undertaking.

After two hours of picking and twisting, he’s ready to go, but then he decides maybe he should change his jacket.

14 jackets later, he’s ready to go. Except he needs to brush his teeth.

And of course, change his boots.

Then Axl stares in the mirror—something’s off.

He goes back and brushes one of his molars again.

Axel can’t quite put his finger on it, but something’s not right, so he tries posing in the mirror with a drink in his hand.

Still not it, so he tries on a vest. "Nah, I'm in a sleeve mood."

Oh my God! Axl realizes he almost went out without plucking his eyebrows. "Where's the fucking symmetry?!" he shouts.

He’s almost ready, so he gets a facelift.

And has his eyes done, then changes clothes one more time.

All of the sudden, Axl realizes it’s Sunday night, he’s changed clothes hundreds of times, and he still looks like a douche. He’s accomplished nothing. It’s like Chinese Democracy all over again.

Then Axl starts to meltdown on a nuclear level. He manages to change clothes one more time before the otherwise repellant properties of being a perfectionist and having no taste or discretion start to rapidly orbit around each other, increasing in speed, energy, and mass. Until they are both too large and at once engulf each other creating a supermassive black hole that destroys us all at 11:57 PM EST Sunday.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

YOUR MOVE SANTA CLAUS AND EASTER BUNNY

“Axl, your breath smells like, well… everything. Did you eat a vodka-soaked hooker made out of heroin and cigarettes?”

After 15 years, $14 million, and 12 guitarists, Chinese Democracy has finally arrived. The album leaked this week, so the label put a streaming version of it on myspace today.

There was a time when I would have crossed state lines, broken into a record store, and stolen this album, but then again I can say the same about a pair of Jams clamdiggers.

At times Axl’s wails sound like vintage G’n’R, and at other times he sounds like someone resurrected Sam Kinison and ran his foot through a meat grinder while forcing him to look at his old wedding photos. The guitar work is great, but when you have 15 years, 12 guitarists, and $14 million, that kind of stuff seems to take care of itself. Below is my track by track reaction after one listen.

“Chinese Democracy” It takes 90 seconds for this song to kick in. That would be one thing if we hadn’t already waited 15 years this song, and if it didn’t suck.

“Shackler’s Revenge” Perfect pump up song to listen to on your way to a school shooting.

“Better” The best song on the album, yet we can only definitively call it “better.”

“Street of Dreams” sounds like “November Rain” didn’t wear a rubber.

“If the World” ponders the end of the world to the tune of a blacksploitation sex scene overlaid with Spanish style classical guitar. If your boyfriend puts this song on while you’re having sex, you should breakup with him, but realistically it’s probably too late, and you will have a string of failed relationships for the rest of your life.

“There Was a Time” Yes, there was Axl, but that time has passed.

“Catcher in the Rye” Wherever JD Salinger is, I’m sure he’s pissed.

“Scraped” It’s like someone made a Broadway musical about the voices in Axl’s head, and they’re all competing for one hit of crack. 

“Sorry” Really Axl? I get the feeling you’re not.

“Riad N’ The Bedouins” This will be a huuuge hit in Germany.

“I.R.S.” Did Axl just make the I.R.S. even more annoying?

“Madagascar” Axl samples portions of MLK’s “I have a Dream” speech and them follows them with samples of Gene Hackman. Really, asshole? You had 15 years to think this over and you still went ahead with it?

This I Love” Axl wonders why a woman left him with out saying goodbye. Seriously? I’m not saying artists should read all their reviews, watch every interview, or analyze every performance over the past 10 years, but some self-awareness might be beneficial.

“Prostitute” Axl sings “I won’t ask of you what I would not do” those aren’t really comforting words for a prostitute coming from Axl Rose. In fact, it’s kind of a Catch-22 paradox of fucked-up-ness: which is worse, something Axl would do or something he would ask a hooker to do to him?

Of course this is just my initial reaction after one listen-- maybe the album grows on you after 15 years.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

BLACK, BEARDLESS PIRATES: PHLOG

It’s America’s worst fear: a hybrid of terrorists, pirates, and black guys.

If Peter Pan set one fancy foot on this pirate ship, he’d be forced to grow up very, very fast.

It would be a lot easier to respect your pirate captors if they didn’t look like Tracey Morgan in drag.

The Hong Kong ship captured by pirates this week is named “The Delight.” Maybe if their boats didn’t have such enticing names, the pirates wouldn’t want to take them so much. I’m pretty sure no one has taken over the “USS Fetid Urine.”

Somehow, capturing pirates and then giving them these sweet ass jumpsuits doesn’t seem like that much of a punishment considering how the rest of Somalia lives.

Somali pirates are scary because they are less “Pirates of the Caribbean” and more “Black Hawk Down.”

There aren’t many jobs that are cooler than being on an anti-pirate special forces team… well, maybe being a pirate, but other than that, not many.

Taking a cruise ship must be the pirate equivalence of fishing in an overstocked trout pond.

“I just don’t see why they had to close the poolside bar. I mean, it’s not like they can’t take over the ship while I’m drinking a Mai Tai. All inclusive my ass.”

So what’s the strategy here? One guy waves kindly and distracts everyone from the loon with the RPG?

Textbook bad pirating.

Admittedly, there is a downside to being a pirate. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

THE ECONOMY IS FIXED: PHLOG

Treasury Secretary Paulson actually looks surprised that people wants answers about where the $700 billion is going to go.

“What am I doing with the $700 billion? Well, um, Bernake, help me out here…”

“Umm… the, umm $700 billion? Um… we’re still counting it.”

“Yes! We’re still counting it! Fantastic! Brilliant, Bernake, brilliant! How can we do anything yet when we’re still counting the money? 700 billion is a lot of dollars. Jeez people, think about these things before you ask a question.”

“What am I going to do about the credit crisis? Well, I’d like to answer that question with a question, what are we all going to do about the credit crisis? Hmm? Yes, all of us. Let that blow your mind, America!”

Hmm, yes. Now would you mind answering that question with an answer?”

“Okay, let me level with you. The American people have clearly proven they can’t be trusted to pay back money they’ve been lent, so we’re giving the banks more money to lend them. But here’s the trick, the money we’re giving them is tax payer money, so it’s their money that they won’t be paying back. Fucking brilliant, right?”

“What about the automotive industry? Okay, interesting. Hmm, the automotive industry, well…”

“Okay, here it is, hotshot. Here’s the plan… the plan to save Detroit and all of America…”

“The plan is, we’re going to poor billions into banks so they can make loans. Wait, here’s the hook, then, we’re going to let Detroit fail, and when all the autoworkers are unemployed, they can just take out loans. Problem solved, end of story.”

“Anyway you look at it, the answer to our credit problem is more loans. It’s just common sense. A fire needs fuel to burn.”

I hope I get cropped out of the pictures in the history books.”

Monday, November 17, 2008

DO YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?

Maybe they should just build mobile homes out of statues of the Virgin Mary. They’d be safer, and you know they’d sell well.

Considering Los Angeles was surrounded by a ring of fire this weekend, destroying homes and lives, I think it may be safe to say, God was in favor of ‘no’ on Prop 8. Either that, or we may soon see more parts of America that have been ravaged by drought and hit hard by the mortgage crisis spontaneously combust into flames. 

Friday, November 14, 2008

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SATURDAY AT 2:43 AM EST

It all starts Friday afternoon when Bush gets depressed and starts reflecting on his Presidency.

Sure there were some laughs, like when he met that guy wearing a dress, 

and the vampire priest,

And of course that guy that smelled like a musky, curry scrotum.

Then there was that time he taught Chinese dignitaries to do the worm.

And who can forget that time he nicknamed five rabbis “Cornbread” and one “Satan.”

But Bush’s presidency was so bad, that even he realizes it. Sure it took two failed wars, the complete destruction of the worldwide economy, a savage raping of the environment, and a domestic record that plays like the arrhythmic outtakes of Christian rock album, but even Bush can tell he fucked up big time.

So he starts to write his suicide note.

Only thing is, it takes him hours to even get started, and by the time he’s finished his first sentence, he’s completely shredded the paper with his eraser like a drooling special-ed kid struggling to spell photosynthesis, so Dick Cheney hands him a pre-written suicide note dated March, 2002.

Bush signs the note, but says there’s one thing he needs to do before he dies-- something he’s been wanting to do since his first day in office.

“There’s this shiny red button down there. I don’t know what it does, but it looks like a piece of delicious candy, and it’s been callin’ my name like a deep fried siren doused in whiskey and rolled in cocaine.”

-BOOP-

And at 2:43 AM EST Saturday, George Bush has unwittingly killed us all, and the world has ended. Don't act like you didn't see it coming years ago.