Friday, November 21, 2008


The release of the first Guns ‘n’ Roses album in 15 years will not cause the end of the world in itself, but it will lead to it. Friday night, on the way out the door to a Chinese Democracy listening party, Axl Rose catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

He stops and stares for a moment, then decides to change his clothes.

He’s ready to go, but he realizes he needs to fix his hair, which admittedly is quite an undertaking.

After two hours of picking and twisting, he’s ready to go, but then he decides maybe he should change his jacket.

14 jackets later, he’s ready to go. Except he needs to brush his teeth.

And of course, change his boots.

Then Axl stares in the mirror—something’s off.

He goes back and brushes one of his molars again.

Axel can’t quite put his finger on it, but something’s not right, so he tries posing in the mirror with a drink in his hand.

Still not it, so he tries on a vest. "Nah, I'm in a sleeve mood."

Oh my God! Axl realizes he almost went out without plucking his eyebrows. "Where's the fucking symmetry?!" he shouts.

He’s almost ready, so he gets a facelift.

And has his eyes done, then changes clothes one more time.

All of the sudden, Axl realizes it’s Sunday night, he’s changed clothes hundreds of times, and he still looks like a douche. He’s accomplished nothing. It’s like Chinese Democracy all over again.

Then Axl starts to meltdown on a nuclear level. He manages to change clothes one more time before the otherwise repellant properties of being a perfectionist and having no taste or discretion start to rapidly orbit around each other, increasing in speed, energy, and mass. Until they are both too large and at once engulf each other creating a supermassive black hole that destroys us all at 11:57 PM EST Sunday.

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