Tuesday, December 2, 2008

COLD WAR HEATS UP AGAIN: PHLOG

Venezuela recently purchased tanks, guns, planes, ships, and helicopters from Russia. Buying a used helicopter is pretty ballsy to start with, but buying one from Russia shows a reckless disregard for safety that we should all fear.

Great buy! Low mileage! Clean interior! Only driven by grandmother to church and back and to subdue the masses.

“What do you mean, ‘does it have safety?’ Gun is safety!”

The Russian ships received a 21-gun salute from the Venezuela navy when they arrived. Of course, the 21 guns came from Russia, so really it was more like a 13-working-gun salute.

I feel like I should warn Hugo Chavez. I had a Russian landlord once. As soon as Medvedev leaves, everything will fall apart, and you’ll realize it never worked to begin with, plus there’re new grounds keeping fees for your parking lot, and you’re paying for his electric bill.

“What do you mean, does ship work? You see it floating, no?”

Only a Russian ship would come with a landline.

“Ask him if refrigerator is operating—no running—is crucial you say ‘running.’”

“Si, amigo. Well, does your neighbor have a refrigerator?”

The real question is: will Medvedev knife Chavez after he tries to kiss him?

Medvedev’s suit is awesome. To wear that as an American you’d have to be a pimp, a woman, or a concierge.

“Bon voyage? Trust me, there is nothing bon about this voyage.”

I think Russian’s navy is buying factory second hats.

Seriously, American school children were hiding under their desks out of fear of this military? REALY?!? Those are walking shoes for fucks sake.

Even if the AIDSy corpse of the Village People’s founder enlisted in our Navy and rose to rank of rear-admiral, it probably still wouldn’t look this gay.

“If you like, you can watch two of them fuck. And if you don’t like, you will probably still watch them fuck. Is my beautiful navy.”

Sucks to be the new guy.

Sometimes you don’t know whether you should salute or wave, so you just divert your eyes and go half way in between.

Dmitry Medvedev has such an inherently evil disposition that even when he’s doing something as innocuous as holding seed samples, he looks like he’s hatching some bond villain scheme to take over the world with killer mums and sunflowers.

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