Thursday, December 4, 2008

AUTO HEADS SPUTTER INTO DC: PHLOG

Are we there yet? Driving sucks. Hey, do we really make this car? It’s a piece of shit!”

“You’re fucking kidding me?! This is a Malibu?! We still make the Malibu!? No wonder we’re so fucked! The fucking Malibu. That car was supposed to be the family man’s Camarro—until he left his family.”

Except for the Chevy and Buick carrying GM heads, every other car in this picture is foreign.

“I’m a normal person who travels in cars just like you. Now open my car door, woman I hired to do so!”

“See Senator, it’s compact and comfortable. We’re expecting big things from the Chevy Scoliosis.”

“Seriously, when was the last time someone told you they bought a Chrysler? Fucking never—that’s when.”

“But the unions are what’s killing us. Do you know they expect healthcare? With real doctors? I tell you, if these Chryslers were just $25 less a month, they would be flying out the doors.”

“Hey, I didn’t design the piece of shit. I just put the smaller pieces of shit together, like you told me to.”

“I can guarantee we will break even next year, so the logical thing to do is give us a $9 billion line of credit—since we’re going to break even—you give us $9 billion. Right?”

“So you want a loan?” 

“No, a line of credit.” 

“What’s the difference?” 

“I don’t know. I suck with money. Look at my company.”

At first, Ford’s CEO’s offer to work for $1 a year seems like a selfless act, but upon further consideration it seems like a testament to how vastly overpaid he was while Ford sank in the hole.

“Would it sweeten the deal if I threw in a free Buick?” 

“No.”

No comments: