Friday, December 12, 2008


This week, Senator Jim Demint from South Carolina claimed America would riot if the automakers got bailed out. He was wrong about bailout, but right about the riots—even though he was talking out his ill-informed ass.

Friday morning, after the auto bailout fell apart in the Senate, the heads of the big three get miffed, and climb back in their cars and drive back to Detroit. Pissed that they didn’t get their money, and even more pissed they have to drive all the way back home in a Buick, they begin to drive erratically like assholes.

The head of GM runs over a kid crossing the street. At first it looks like an accident, until he goes back for the kid’s brother and runs him over too.

Soon the caravan full of failed businessmen goes from just killing kids to ordering all of their executives into trucks and SUV’s to run over union members and anyone who looks like they voted.

But the union members fight back. Since they built the trucks, they know their weak spots: everywhere. 

All they have to do is zigzag as the giant SUV’s chase them.

America goes nuts and begins to riot, joining Greece, Germany, Sweden, Spain, Denmark France, and Russia in worldwide anarchy. It’s like every city across the globe won and lost the World Cup and Superbowl.

In addition to being pissed off at the automakers, people are fed up with unemployment, under-employment, impossible mortgages, medical bills, credit card debt, and everything sucking on TV, so they choose the only logical option: light that shit on fire!

By Saturday morning, massive looting spreads across the country, but just the essentials: a BMX bike, a pellet gun, and a headband—no shirt.

All the looting, burning, and chaos look like so much fun, China decides they want to riot too.

However, China, being China, everyone riots in unison.

Saturday night at 11:12 PM EST, they all get excited and jump at once, but it knocks the Earth off our orbit and we get hurled into the sun, killing us all.

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