Monday, March 2, 2009

STANK OF AMERICA

Yeah, they say it won’t get better until people start putting money back into the banks. Yeah, the same banks that lost all their money. Look Honey, I don’t know why they would do that, but that’s the plan! So are you going to stay at your mom's again tonight?”

AIG lost $62 billion last quarter. You know what? If your insurance company loses $62 billion in three months, they’re not your insurance company any more. They’re just a bunch of assholes who took your money.

The Citi Group’s shares fell 20%, down to $1.20 per share. That’s three shares of Citi Bank for a Claim Jumper frozen meatloaf dinner, if you’re wondering.

Analysts are saying that the market won’t rebound until the financial institutions bounce back, which to me sounds about like putting a leash on a rabid dog that’s attacking you and then lying down on the sidewalk until he cures your rabies. Except, I believe dogs are inherently good creatures.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

DUMBASS...

"Really!?! They told me one weekend a month too! That's hilarious!"

A second US soldier in Iraq has joined a lawsuit questioning Obama’s eligibility to be President, saying:

"I think it is reasonable for Obama to prove his citizenship status thus certifying his eligibility. I too raised my right hand and swore an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States… I believe the case you are filing could very well determine if we are in fact a Constitutional Republic or a nation of mob rule. I would be honored to be a part of your efforts."

Really? You were cool with serving in Iraq under a president who stole his election, led us into a false war, and squandered your armor budget on his buddies’ no-bid contracts, but because you’ve never personally seen Obama’s birth certificate you think you should get a free pass out? He added:

"I am an Army reservist who was activated last August and am currently serving with a military police battalion in Camp Bucca, Iraq. I will be here until at least June 2009."

Seriously, you’ve served half of one tour (as an MP) and you’re trying to sue your way out of your contract with America, in order to uphold our constitution’s contractual integrity? God, that’s dumber than someone who joined the reserves for extra cash, thinking they would never get called up to war, despite the fact that every reservist and national guardsman has been called… oh... wait, I get it. Sorry, dude—try not to get shot, and stop being such a douche. 

Monday, February 23, 2009

STOCK MARKET BREAKS SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM

Time circuits on. Flux Capacitor... fluxxing. Engine running. All right! Let's go Marty!”

The Dow Jones has dropped to its lowest level since 1997. That must really make stock brokers feel like they’ve wasted the past 12 years of their lives. No matter how much they have worked, sweat, or stolen, things are exactly where they were in 1997. I mean, I’ve fucked up and had to back track in my life a little, but never more than a decade. And I even had an oxycontin problem. 

I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna go buy some stock in yahoo and pets.com.

Friday, February 20, 2009

MARKETS REACT TO OBAMA PLAN: PHLOG

What?! He’s helping the poor?! Jesus Christ—who would do that?”

“My God, I can’t believe he’s helping the poor people keep their houses. What a dick.”

 “What’s he trying to do, ruin this golden economy?”

“I’m not going to pay my neighbor’s mortgage! I worked hard, really hard, to screw the loser out of that money.”

“How will they know we’re better then them if they get to keep their houses?”

“Doesn’t he know that if he helps working Americans stay in their homes, the stocks of corrupt companies with outdated business models and no profits to speak of will plummet?”

“What is he going to do, nationalize the banks? What’s next, food rations and Russian tanks rolling down our streets?”

“Now, you know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, but I won’t make as much on commissions.”

“Let’s see, we invested in banks that gave loans to high risk candidates, betting they would miss payments, so the banks could charge them more money. Then they missed their payments, but somehow the banks are losing money. I don’t get it. It should work. Fuck it. I’m thirsty, let’s go get some water from a stone.

The only people more out of touch with the average American than stock traders: Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m surprised the void between their combined worldviews and reality didn’t envelope us all like a worm hole spun from two imploding stars. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

NETWORK HEAD BEHEADS WIFE

I swear to Allah, if you forget to render your B-roll once more time, I’m gonna cut your fucking head off.”

Muzzammil Hassan, the founder and CEO of Bridges TV, a network designed “to show Muslims in a more positive light,” was arrested for beheading his wife in an honor killing.

I suppose their mission statement is working, because portraying Muslims as a highly ironic people is still “a more positive light” than most the stuff on Fox News.

Sure, networks are cutting staff left and right these days, but this has to be a union violation. And I thought I had worked for some harsh douches at Comcast.

Friday, February 13, 2009

THE WORLD WILL END THIS FRIDAY AT 6:31 PM EST

Friday evening, nerds around the world will huddle around to watch the Unix clock reach exactly 123456789, and to see if it brings the end of the world as some people have claimed.

Of course once the clock reaches 123456789, it will reset without incident, just like Y2K, and the computer clock in itself will not end the world.

However, one old-school nerd, named Xarl (it’s pronounced “Carl”) is pisssed off. Xarl is  a hardcore hermit nerd from back before nerds became semi-socially acceptable with the popularity of video games, the internet, and comic book based movies, and he’s been blue-balled by more doomsday scenarios than he has women, even including the she-aliens on Star Trek. Now he's had enough.

Just in case the world didn’t end because of the Unix clock, Xarl prepared a massive biological assault with an agent he calls “Vengethraximus” which is really just a shit load of anthrax. Armed with just an associate’s degree, a few common household items, and some rockets he stole from a poorly guarded military base in Nevada, Xarl unleashes the Vengethraximus as part of operation “That’s why you don’t fuck with Xarl” and kills us all at 6:31 PM EST, Friday, February 13th.   

Thursday, February 12, 2009

STIMULESS: PHLOG

"All right, who wants their free money? We just came up with an amazing plan to put cash into working Americans’ pockets. That’s right, hard working, middle-income Americans will now each get a $400 tax credit! Did you hear me? $400! That’s almost $7.69 a week!"

"Now, some people will say since more Americans are out of work, in debt, and losing their homes than ever before, $7.69 a week may not be enough, and we hear you, so we came up with the genius idea to give you tax breaks on big-ticket items, like new cars and new homes."

"What better way to save the massively indebted American than to give him a small discount on a new home?"

"I mean it’s just common sense, if you’ve lost your home, go buy a new one!"

"C’mon people, why aren’t you getting excited? An $8,000 tax credit on a house! That’s like a savings of 4% on a $200,000 home. A 4% discount people—you only have to pay 96% of the cost of a brand new house! Why aren’t you all buying houses right now? There’s a 4% off sale!"

"Plus now, all the good people at the bank will finally be able to sell all the homes the foreclosed on after handing out bad mortgages."

"I know—you’re welcome!"

"But what if you recently lost you job, and can’t afford a new home? Well, if your family buys a new car, you could save up to $300 next year! All you have to do is spend $25,000 and you can save 300. That’s a 1.2% discount on a new car for you to not drive to work in!"

"Oh! You want one more? Have a baby. We’ll throw a few more bones your way if you squirt out a little American. Kids cost nothing to make, and you get a tax break—what could go wrong? If you’re out of work, in debt, and losing your home, just have a kid. And that’s the sound advice of the U.S. Government."

“We are awesome.” 

“I know. I know.”

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

VALENTINES SPECIAL!

Would you be more or less proud to shoot these deer?

A zoo in Michigan is offering a special Valentine’s night tour of animals having sex and it’s sold out at $50 a ticket. This all sounds like good fun, until you realize that most animal sex is far from consensual and nothing ruins a good date like a loud bout of leopard rape.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

MASS DOLPHIN SUICIDE ROCKS PHILIPINES!

"No, boys, the kitchen is that way!"

More than 200 dolphins beached themselves and died in Manila Bay. Boy, nothing ruins a day at the beach like seeing 200 adorable dolphins wiggle their way out of the water on shore, flop up next to your cooler, look you in the eye and gently whimper as they slowly choke to death for three hours. Big time downer.

And it gets worse, now the Philippines are totally vulnerable to a shark attack.

Friday, February 6, 2009

THE WORLD WILL END THIS FRIDAY AT 9:34 PM EST

It all starts when Nadya Suleman, the mother of the octuplets interview airs on NBC.

Nadya tells Ann Curry that she in unemployed, single, and already has 6 children, and that she knew how many fertilized eggs where put in her AND that she was aware that pregnancy aggravated an injury that has kept her from working and on workman’s comp since 1999.

Unfortunately God is also watching the interview. He’s already annoyed by all of this, but when he hears that Suleman has hired a publicist he loses his shit. It’s one thing to hire a Guadalajaran educated “doctor” to make a mockery of God’s greatest gift, but it’s a-whole-nother thing to hire some douche to help you brag about it.

He would have just killed Nadya, but Nadya’s like a roach: once you see her, you know you’ve got hundreds of her babies scurrying around your crawl space, and the Lord only knows where the rest of her eggs are, so God bug bombs us all. It’s for the best. 

Thursday, February 5, 2009

YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT FROM JUST TOUCHING IT

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a fertility statue represent a penis, or an African mother’s breasts.

The Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum in Myrtle Beach, SC has opened an exhibit of African fertility statues, which they claim have helped impregnate over 2,000 women.

That sounds nice, but I’ve got a feeling the kind of women who visit Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum in Myrtle Beach, were going to get pregnant anyway, several times over.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

AFGHANISTAN: NOW OR NEVER MIND... PHLOG

Just because Afghanistan has been an unrulable wasteland for thousands of years, despite countless efforts to fix it, doesn’t mean we can’t fix it now...”

“Look dude, we’re fucked. Just get out of here and save yourself.”

Even if it’s day-fucking-one, if you need a foam mat to practice crawling, you probably don’t have what it takes to police Afghanistan.

Seriously! Are you fucking kidding me?! The Afghani police look like a punchline in a Mexican sketch show.

Gomer Pyle, A.F.M.C.

That one shoe may not look like much to you and me, but in Afghanistan, it’s a pretty sweet find.

“Right, one kebab. You want that blackened or heroin crusted?”

Taliban militants or Tatooine larpers?

Yeah, but school district is good.”

I like that the kid with the rocket launcher is looking at the guy holding the camera like “what the fuck is in your hands?”

The purple glove told you he was French even before I could.

Italian artist Ernesto Lamagna speaks in an art class inside the Italian military base in Afghanistan. Not even kidding. 

“Let’s see-- 893,459 Afghani, that comes to… well, tell you what, just take this whole dollar and we’ll call it even.”

This could almost be a Norman Rockwell painting, if these kids weren’t watching an Afghani dogfight.

Shittiest job in the world: Afghani dogfight referee.

“Yes, Hamid, of course I hate the great Satan, but I, well, I just thought the flag would be… I don’t know… a bit bigger? Where did you get this, off the bags of grain they give us?”

Admittedly, a protest takes on a much different tone as soon as someone pulls out their ax.

It must be frustrating to Canadians: in their eyes, they are different than Americans, but once you hit Afghanistan, it’s all the same.