Monday, January 12, 2009

BUSH'S FINAL FAILED PRESS CONFERENCE: PHLOG

Seriously, we’re still talking about Katrina? You say I ruined New Orleans? Boo fucking hoo. Now your drunk daughters will have to flash their tits in a puddle of vomit somewhere else.”

“Look, we handled Katrina just like we wanted to. We would’ve drained the city earlier, but we were letting is soak for a while to get the smell of piss and sexual assault out.”

“I screwed up the Middle East? Yeah, cause that place was a real peach before I got my hands on it.”

“If a little boy smacks a hornets nest with a stick, are you gonna blame that stick for him gettin’ stung? No—you blame the Arabs.”

“I may not have finished it, but I did lay out a vision for what Middle East peace will look like. It’s sort of like Atlanta with unicorns and more delis.”

“Well, I try not to take what people say about Iraq too personally, ‘cause it could have just as easily been any other country that I did that too.”

“Sure I wish we had found WMDs, but if you wish in one hand and shit in the other, you gotta be careful what you eat. I just shit in America’s hand—I didn’t make y’all eat it.”

“Look, thousands of young Americans die every year anyway. I just put them in the desert first. It’s kind of like I’m helping them with their bucket lists. ‘Well, I went to the desert- scratch that off- now I can die at 19.’”

“Maybe the ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign was too much, but you tell that to the fine people who made that banner. You try and tell them they didn’t accomplish their mission by making that sign. You can’t tell them that, because they only speak Chinese.”

“The credit crisis? Don’t blame me. You didn’t pay your bills. That one’s on you, assholes. You can’t just pass on your debt to someone else. The deficit? Yeah, I’ll work on that for the next seven days—well, five workdays really—you know what? Screw it. Someone else will take care of it.”

“People are like ‘Why me? Why did the greatest financial crisis in generation happen on my watch?’ I don’t know. I don’t care. It’s pathetic, self-pity. I’ m not full of self-pity. I have family money, and oil money, and I-was-the-most-powerful-man-in-the-world-for-8-years-in-a-row money. I’ll be fine.”

“Do I have advice for Barack Obama? Yeah, you better fix this in four years. The American people may love hope, but we love blaming shit on the black guy even more. Goodbye and God bless!”

2 comments:

randy said...

that was the longest 8 years ever.

Peter Grumbine said...

no kidding. I need a nap.