“Whoa, Billy, whoa! Cover your lips with your teeth like this…”
Cardinal Roger Mahony said he is “mystified” by the federal probe into his handling of molesty priests, but that’s not really saying much, considering his whole, life, career, and soul are built on the mystic.
After 500 children admit to being molested at your office, you shouldn’t say you are “puzzled” and “mystified” by the investigation. You should say, “Holy shit! 500 kids were molested! Someone should look into this, and in the mean time, let’s just cut a little hole in a honey dew melon and fuck it, or something.”
And, kids, remember, no matter what your priest tells you, there are plenty of other ways to wipe the ashes off your forehead, Palm Sunday has nothing to do with partial fisting, and the stigmata never appears in your butthole—never.