Friday, February 20, 2009

MARKETS REACT TO OBAMA PLAN: PHLOG

What?! He’s helping the poor?! Jesus Christ—who would do that?”

“My God, I can’t believe he’s helping the poor people keep their houses. What a dick.”

 “What’s he trying to do, ruin this golden economy?”

“I’m not going to pay my neighbor’s mortgage! I worked hard, really hard, to screw the loser out of that money.”

“How will they know we’re better then them if they get to keep their houses?”

“Doesn’t he know that if he helps working Americans stay in their homes, the stocks of corrupt companies with outdated business models and no profits to speak of will plummet?”

“What is he going to do, nationalize the banks? What’s next, food rations and Russian tanks rolling down our streets?”

“Now, you know that’s not true.”

“Yeah, but I won’t make as much on commissions.”

“Let’s see, we invested in banks that gave loans to high risk candidates, betting they would miss payments, so the banks could charge them more money. Then they missed their payments, but somehow the banks are losing money. I don’t get it. It should work. Fuck it. I’m thirsty, let’s go get some water from a stone.

The only people more out of touch with the average American than stock traders: Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. I’m surprised the void between their combined worldviews and reality didn’t envelope us all like a worm hole spun from two imploding stars. 

1 comment:

alcoLOLz!1!! said...

"here i have been working my ass off to pay my mortgage... if i knew obama was going to pull this, i'd have scrapped the mortgage payments and and used the money on fake tits for my wife!"

LOLZ