Thursday, February 12, 2009


"All right, who wants their free money? We just came up with an amazing plan to put cash into working Americans’ pockets. That’s right, hard working, middle-income Americans will now each get a $400 tax credit! Did you hear me? $400! That’s almost $7.69 a week!"

"Now, some people will say since more Americans are out of work, in debt, and losing their homes than ever before, $7.69 a week may not be enough, and we hear you, so we came up with the genius idea to give you tax breaks on big-ticket items, like new cars and new homes."

"What better way to save the massively indebted American than to give him a small discount on a new home?"

"I mean it’s just common sense, if you’ve lost your home, go buy a new one!"

"C’mon people, why aren’t you getting excited? An $8,000 tax credit on a house! That’s like a savings of 4% on a $200,000 home. A 4% discount people—you only have to pay 96% of the cost of a brand new house! Why aren’t you all buying houses right now? There’s a 4% off sale!"

"Plus now, all the good people at the bank will finally be able to sell all the homes the foreclosed on after handing out bad mortgages."

"I know—you’re welcome!"

"But what if you recently lost you job, and can’t afford a new home? Well, if your family buys a new car, you could save up to $300 next year! All you have to do is spend $25,000 and you can save 300. That’s a 1.2% discount on a new car for you to not drive to work in!"

"Oh! You want one more? Have a baby. We’ll throw a few more bones your way if you squirt out a little American. Kids cost nothing to make, and you get a tax break—what could go wrong? If you’re out of work, in debt, and losing your home, just have a kid. And that’s the sound advice of the U.S. Government."

“We are awesome.” 

“I know. I know.”

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