Friday, February 4, 2011

THE WORLD WILL END THIS SUNDAY AT 12:20 PM

It all starts Friday afternoon, when the riots in Egypt intensify, until finally the protesters tar and feather Mubarek and send him packing.

DC freaks the fuck out.

They pull an all nighter (work until 5:01 PM) and finally uncover a little known “Egyptian law” that dictates who the line of succession should go to. A man named…

Bob. Bob Al-Zomething. Immediately, DC flies Bob to Cairo and put him into power.


Egypt promptly kills Bob.

They rush some elections and vote for some guy we’ve never heard of. Sure, he’s Muslim, and he’s too Islamic to win an election in Iowa, but whatever, it’s their country.

Yemen, Tunis, and other countries follow suit and elect some guys who you wouldn’t necessarily pick to lead a Baptist choir, but again, it’s their country and their elections, so no biggie-- right?

America freaks the fuck out.

“Oh shit! Islams!”

“Well, we always said we wanted fair and transparent elections, or Bob, and you know, well, these are the people they elected. That’s Democracy.”

“Fuck Democracy!”

“Democracy sounds an awful lot like Demon to me!”

“Demon! Demon! Demon!”

Then a counter-protester ironically says, “we should just let Charles Manson out and have him take care of things in the Middle East.”

“No, I will not release Charles Manson and send him to the Middle East.”

Saturday morning, Politico picks up the story that Obama says he will not release Manson, and then Drudge links to it. The comment section on the post goes nuts. Because Obama said he won’t release Charles Manson, the tea-baggers have a nut-jerk reaction and decide the only Holy American thing to do is to release Charles Manson.

Meanwhile, overweight and low income Americans start dying by the thousands.

“It’s Obamacare!”

Actually, it’s all the fake food and bioengineered meat they’ve been eating.

Between the new found love of Charles Manson, increased hatred for Obama, and people falling dead everywhere, America breaks out into riots bigger than Egypt’s, and the tea baggers bust out Charlie.

At a teabag rally, the 5 year-old kid from Florida who brought a handgun to school shows up, and the pistol falls out of his pocket again. This time it discharges and shoots an American cab driver of Egyptian descent. The crowd goes wild, and makes the kid second in command to Charles Manson to lead the Tea Party.

“That’s it. I fucking quit. I tried, people, really I did. This country was fucked long before I got my hands on it, but I tried. Hard. Really hard. Some things even got a little better, but no, you focused on all the bad shit going down and listened to blowhards on tv and the radio, and now you want Charles Manson and some 5 year-old kid with a gun to run the country. You know what? Have at it. Knock your fucking selves out with this one. Good luck, assholes.”

12 noon on Sunday, Manson and the kid move into the White House. They have a grand ol’ time for a few minutes, kill some people, and eat lunch. Then they start rough housing in the Oval Office. All of the sudden, the kid’s pistol falls out of his pocket again and lands on The Button.

Nukes are released and blow us all to fuck. Manson smiles. It’s 12:20 PM, and the world has ended.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

CHARLES MASON HAS A CELL PHONE

"What do you mean think twice about the tattoo? If I don't like it when I'm older, I'll just comb my hair over it."

California prison officials admitted that Charles Manson has been caught with a cell phone in jail for the second time in two years. Apparently the officials became suspicious after pizza delivery guys kept showing up at the prison door ritualistically slaughtered.

The main fear is that Manson could use the phone to call people and have them do his killer bidding for him, which he could potentially be pretty adept at, since he never really did his own killing in the first place (pussy). But let’s be honest, anyone who’s left from the Manson family, is fairly old by now, and if you’re weak enough to get killed by a 73 year-old lady, well, something else was probably going to take you down soon anyway, like a breeze or a glass of water.

For some reason, I find the image of Charles Manson using a cell phone oddly hilarious. It’s kind of like picturing Jim Morrison driving a compact sedan, but a lot more murdery.

Personally, I’d like think Manson was just using the phone to make prank calls:

“Hello?”

“Yes. Hi. Um, is your refrigerator running?”

“Yeah, it is. Who is this?”

“Charles Manson.”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

EGYPT FAIL PHLOG

Today, Mubarek said he won’t seek re-election. Yeah, not shit. This is his party’s office. Whether or not he “seeks re-election” is pretty damn irrelevant.

Won’t seek reelection? More like won’t see next Tuesday.

“Photo bomb” takes on a whole new meaning in the Middle East.

See?

I wish I had the ethnic heritage to wear that headdress while angry. Drunk and fucking around—sure, but I could never pull it off while I’m trying to make a political statement.

“We will bring down Mubarek in flames like the twin tours and rain down a fiery hell among the infidel Zionist swine who worship a false money idol and the Yankee devils who wear short pants!”

“What the fuck, man!? The world is watching! Fucking embarrassing.”

“This is my sea of tears and broken hope. Only here am I free to feel my heart song and practice my monologue for a documentary on the suffering of children in political upheaval.”

If you crossover from the Army to join the protesters and wear your uniform, you get mad pussy that night. I don’t care what country you’re in: mad pussy.

This is where it gets complicated.

The Bangles were full of shit.

Hot.

Is there anything more placid and comforting than the rainbow formed when a water cannon ricochets of protestors fighting for democracy? Probably, but not in this picture.

“And I will remember my covenant, which is between me and you and every living creature of all flesh; and the waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh. And the rainbow shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth.”

Egypt Man!

It’s like an ant farm, but with less workers’ rights.

That kid is a-dor-able!

I always wondered how protestors in the Middle East had so many rocks handy: buckets. Fucking brilliant, but then again if you’re planning ahead, can’t you plan a better weapon and get a little more creative? I don’t know, maybe something that’s not as old as the Earth itself.

Is that a hybrid Molotov cocktail/ Medieval flail? Now that’s what I’m talking about.

No. You’re supposed to throw it. Dumbass.

“Were you at Tunis? Tunis was badass. Not as good as Beirut ’05—that was off the hook. I mean, it was no Iran ’09—that run was fuh-reaky good! The Twitter encore was nuts. Totally made my profile pic green. You seen any veg burritos around here? I got nuggz.”

Monday, January 31, 2011

EATING THE UNDEAD

That's actually real chicken, not chicken grown in a lab, but I can't imagine the fake stuff will look any creepier... or more like shaved ball-gina.

There’s news today that a scientist in South Carolina (what?!) is growing meat in a laboratory. As a South Carolinian, this comes as a shock for two reasons. First off, most news stories concerning science and South Carolina focus more on regress than progress, but secondly, because as good God-fearing people in South Carolina, we only kill and eat the adorable, sweet, furry creatures that God created. How pissed will He be when we let a baby cow live and enjoy its life? That shit just ain’t right.

Generally speaking, I’m in favor of scientific progress, but this story is a bit, I don’t know… creepy as shit. Now, I realize this is being done under the guise of feeding starving people, and I don’t want to be the one to tell some poor, bloated African kid with a distended belly and more flies than nutrients in his mouth that he can’t eat something because it just seems a little weird to me, as I chew on a chicken-fried, bacon-wrapped-shrimp-stuffed steak, but I mean, come on, this is, well, creepy as shit. Actually, it’s creepier than shit. Shit’s organic.

And while it may seem like a good way to feed starving people in third world countries, you know we’ll be getting this crap slapped on a bun, slathered in mayonnaise and shoved down our throats on every corner here too because it’s highly profitable and will likely be injected with all kinds of deliciously addictive chemicals.

Of course, I’m not about to pretend most the meat people eat in America these days is somehow pure, healthy, or actually meat, but somehow the idea of ground bone, texturized vegetable protein, corn product, and glue seems more appetizing than a pulsing, boneless chicken breast breathing through a tube as it strains to mumble “Mmmooootheerrrr, moooooother, you maaaaaade meeeeeee. Shoooow meee looooove. Noooo, nooooootttt wiiiiiiithhhh h h h (cough) a f-f-f-f-ooooork.”

By the way, this guy is calling his meatish product “Charlem” which he claims is short for Charleston engineered meat, but sounds to me more like the by-product a goatse related sex act performed on the sidewalk of a poor neighborhood for crack money.

Plus, if I don’t eat an actual animal, how will I consume its soul and grow stronger?

Friday, January 28, 2011

5 Year-Old Brings Gun to School, Is Cool

"No, I'm pretty sure the cow does go quack-quack, bitch."

Apparently a 5 year-old kid brought a loaded gun to his pre-kindergarten class in Florida today. It says a lot about the state of our country that my first reaction to this story was: wait, a 5 year-old is still in pre-kindergarten? If he doesn't even start kindergarten until he's six, at that rate, by the time he graduates, he'll be, well, dead probably. He's fucking five and packing heat.

The teacher said the gun fell out of his pocket and hit the floor without discharging, which raises two points. One, this whole thing could have been avoided (and way more adorable) if the kid had a shoulder holster, and two, that high school student in Woodland Hills who inadvertently shot two people when a gun went off in his backpack by accident has to feel like even more of a shithead now.

The kid found the gun in his stepfather's car on the way to school, which means it's safe to assume that his stepfather had an even worse day. Not so much because he'll get in trouble for it, but because, you know, he didn't have his gun. Might as well leave your dick at home too.

Of course this will probably ignite all sorts to gun control debates again, to which I say, remember-- guns don't kill people, children do. Are we going to outlaw children? I'm not entirely opposed to that.

*Yeah, I am trying to find time to post here again. Will I keep it up this time? Cliffhanger!