DC freaks the fuck out.
They pull an all nighter (work until 5:01 PM) and finally uncover a little known “Egyptian law” that dictates who the line of succession should go to. A man named…
Bob. Bob Al-Zomething. Immediately, DC flies Bob to Cairo and put him into power.
Egypt promptly kills Bob.
They rush some elections and vote for some guy we’ve never heard of. Sure, he’s Muslim, and he’s too Islamic to win an election in Iowa, but whatever, it’s their country.
Yemen, Tunis, and other countries follow suit and elect some guys who you wouldn’t necessarily pick to lead a Baptist choir, but again, it’s their country and their elections, so no biggie-- right?
America freaks the fuck out.
“Oh shit! Islams!”
“Well, we always said we wanted fair and transparent elections, or Bob, and you know, well, these are the people they elected. That’s Democracy.”
“Democracy sounds an awful lot like Demon to me!”
“Demon! Demon! Demon!”
Then a counter-protester ironically says, “we should just let Charles Manson out and have him take care of things in the Middle East.”
“No, I will not release Charles Manson and send him to the Middle East.”
Saturday morning, Politico picks up the story that Obama says he will not release Manson, and then Drudge links to it. The comment section on the post goes nuts. Because Obama said he won’t release Charles Manson, the tea-baggers have a nut-jerk reaction and decide the only Holy American thing to do is to release Charles Manson.
Meanwhile, overweight and low income Americans start dying by the thousands.
Actually, it’s all the fake food and bioengineered meat they’ve been eating.
Between the new found love of Charles Manson, increased hatred for Obama, and people falling dead everywhere, America breaks out into riots bigger than Egypt’s, and the tea baggers bust out Charlie.
At a teabag rally, the 5 year-old kid from Florida who brought a handgun to school shows up, and the pistol falls out of his pocket again. This time it discharges and shoots an American cab driver of Egyptian descent. The crowd goes wild, and makes the kid second in command to Charles Manson to lead the Tea Party.
“That’s it. I fucking quit. I tried, people, really I did. This country was fucked long before I got my hands on it, but I tried. Hard. Really hard. Some things even got a little better, but no, you focused on all the bad shit going down and listened to blowhards on tv and the radio, and now you want Charles Manson and some 5 year-old kid with a gun to run the country. You know what? Have at it. Knock your fucking selves out with this one. Good luck, assholes.”
12 noon on Sunday, Manson and the kid move into the White House. They have a grand ol’ time for a few minutes, kill some people, and eat lunch. Then they start rough housing in the Oval Office. All of the sudden, the kid’s pistol falls out of his pocket again and lands on The Button.
Nukes are released and blow us all to fuck. Manson smiles. It’s 12:20 PM, and the world has ended.