Monday, January 31, 2011


That's actually real chicken, not chicken grown in a lab, but I can't imagine the fake stuff will look any creepier... or more like shaved ball-gina.

There’s news today that a scientist in South Carolina (what?!) is growing meat in a laboratory. As a South Carolinian, this comes as a shock for two reasons. First off, most news stories concerning science and South Carolina focus more on regress than progress, but secondly, because as good God-fearing people in South Carolina, we only kill and eat the adorable, sweet, furry creatures that God created. How pissed will He be when we let a baby cow live and enjoy its life? That shit just ain’t right.

Generally speaking, I’m in favor of scientific progress, but this story is a bit, I don’t know… creepy as shit. Now, I realize this is being done under the guise of feeding starving people, and I don’t want to be the one to tell some poor, bloated African kid with a distended belly and more flies than nutrients in his mouth that he can’t eat something because it just seems a little weird to me, as I chew on a chicken-fried, bacon-wrapped-shrimp-stuffed steak, but I mean, come on, this is, well, creepy as shit. Actually, it’s creepier than shit. Shit’s organic.

And while it may seem like a good way to feed starving people in third world countries, you know we’ll be getting this crap slapped on a bun, slathered in mayonnaise and shoved down our throats on every corner here too because it’s highly profitable and will likely be injected with all kinds of deliciously addictive chemicals.

Of course, I’m not about to pretend most the meat people eat in America these days is somehow pure, healthy, or actually meat, but somehow the idea of ground bone, texturized vegetable protein, corn product, and glue seems more appetizing than a pulsing, boneless chicken breast breathing through a tube as it strains to mumble “Mmmooootheerrrr, moooooother, you maaaaaade meeeeeee. Shoooow meee looooove. Noooo, nooooootttt wiiiiiiithhhh h h h (cough) a f-f-f-f-ooooork.”

By the way, this guy is calling his meatish product “Charlem” which he claims is short for Charleston engineered meat, but sounds to me more like the by-product a goatse related sex act performed on the sidewalk of a poor neighborhood for crack money.

Plus, if I don’t eat an actual animal, how will I consume its soul and grow stronger?

Friday, January 28, 2011

5 Year-Old Brings Gun to School, Is Cool

"No, I'm pretty sure the cow does go quack-quack, bitch."

Apparently a 5 year-old kid brought a loaded gun to his pre-kindergarten class in Florida today. It says a lot about the state of our country that my first reaction to this story was: wait, a 5 year-old is still in pre-kindergarten? If he doesn't even start kindergarten until he's six, at that rate, by the time he graduates, he'll be, well, dead probably. He's fucking five and packing heat.

The teacher said the gun fell out of his pocket and hit the floor without discharging, which raises two points. One, this whole thing could have been avoided (and way more adorable) if the kid had a shoulder holster, and two, that high school student in Woodland Hills who inadvertently shot two people when a gun went off in his backpack by accident has to feel like even more of a shithead now.

The kid found the gun in his stepfather's car on the way to school, which means it's safe to assume that his stepfather had an even worse day. Not so much because he'll get in trouble for it, but because, you know, he didn't have his gun. Might as well leave your dick at home too.

Of course this will probably ignite all sorts to gun control debates again, to which I say, remember-- guns don't kill people, children do. Are we going to outlaw children? I'm not entirely opposed to that.

*Yeah, I am trying to find time to post here again. Will I keep it up this time? Cliffhanger!