There’s news today that a scientist in South Carolina (what?!) is growing meat in a laboratory. As a South Carolinian, this comes as a shock for two reasons. First off, most news stories concerning science and South Carolina focus more on regress than progress, but secondly, because as good God-fearing people in South Carolina, we only kill and eat the adorable, sweet, furry creatures that God created. How pissed will He be when we let a baby cow live and enjoy its life? That shit just ain’t right.
Generally speaking, I’m in favor of scientific progress, but this story is a bit, I don’t know… creepy as shit. Now, I realize this is being done under the guise of feeding starving people, and I don’t want to be the one to tell some poor, bloated African kid with a distended belly and more flies than nutrients in his mouth that he can’t eat something because it just seems a little weird to me, as I chew on a chicken-fried, bacon-wrapped-shrimp-stuffed steak, but I mean, come on, this is, well, creepy as shit. Actually, it’s creepier than shit. Shit’s organic.
And while it may seem like a good way to feed starving people in third world countries, you know we’ll be getting this crap slapped on a bun, slathered in mayonnaise and shoved down our throats on every corner here too because it’s highly profitable and will likely be injected with all kinds of deliciously addictive chemicals.
Of course, I’m not about to pretend most the meat people eat in America these days is somehow pure, healthy, or actually meat, but somehow the idea of ground bone, texturized vegetable protein, corn product, and glue seems more appetizing than a pulsing, boneless chicken breast breathing through a tube as it strains to mumble “Mmmooootheerrrr, moooooother, you maaaaaade meeeeeee. Shoooow meee looooove. Noooo, nooooootttt wiiiiiiithhhh h h h (cough) a f-f-f-f-ooooork.”
By the way, this guy is calling his meatish product “Charlem” which he claims is short for Charleston engineered meat, but sounds to me more like the by-product a goatse related sex act performed on the sidewalk of a poor neighborhood for crack money.
Plus, if I don’t eat an actual animal, how will I consume its soul and grow stronger?