Tuesday, May 21, 2013

FLORIDA MAN FIGHTS GIANT BURMESE PYTHON

That snake is big enough to wear a hat. Not like a specially made snake hat, but a real ass Bobby Bonilla-sized human hat.

American hero, Jason Leon, single-handedly wrestled and killed a 19-foot Burmese python near Miami. Is “hero” too strong of a word for a man who killed a giant beast? No.

Jason Leon wasn’t out hunting or even looking for a fight. He was just out driving at night when he saw part of the monster serpent. He grabbed it and dragged it out onto the street, which is just something you do to a massive reptile. Once he saw that it was a 19-foot devil, Jason was like “Shit, snake, I gotta wrestle you.”

He didn’t even want to kill it, he just wanted to kick the snake’s ass for a while and reassert human superiority over the invasive species. “Go back to Burma, dick.” That kind of stuff.

But after about 10 minutes of wrestling with the snake, the python started to wrap itself around Jason and constrict, so he did what he had to do and pulled a blade on the bastard. Old school and personal.

Let’s put the size on this python in perspective. It was 19 feet long. That snake's so big it could dunk. Not only could the snake dunk, it could keep going up and change a light bulb on the ceiling of a room built on top of the basketball goal, all without jumping. Fuckin’ Christ, what if it could jump?

When Jason was asked what he plans to do with the snake skin, he said, “I was thinking I’d put it up in my bedroom, but I don’t think there’s enough room on the walls to hold all of it. I’ll probably roll it up and keep it in a vase in the living room for now.” He’s going to put it in a fucking vase in the living room, and he says it as if there was never any other use for a vase, like say flowers. Hero.

There’s only one thing left to do now: send Jason to Oklahoma to fight some tornadoes. Or he could stay and fight snakes in Florida. There are still thousands more giant Burmese pythons slithering through America’s penis, so that’s kind of a “thing” to put on your radar.

6 comments:

arianna said...

mamma mia che big,strong,terrible pitone!!!!

you are brave!!! :)

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