"I understand that 17 Air Force officers have been stripped of their authority to launch and control nuclear missile due to general incompetence and potential sharing of nuclear codes."
"That is correct, but rest assured we have come down upon the offenders with the full force of the United States Air Force. We are tearing them down and rebuilding them in our image."
"Could you outline specific action steps to prevent re-occurrences?"
"Yes, sir. Each of the officers is undergoing 60 to 90 days of intensive retraining on Facebook privacy settings, and we are giving them haircuts."
"High and tight!"
"Are there any further steps being taken?"
"Yes. In fact, when we questioned our officer in charge of prevention of sexual assault on nuclear weapons…"
"You have an officer in charge of prevention of sexual assault on nuclear weapons?"
"He sexually assaulted a nuclear weapon."
"I would like to know more about the assault. For instance, when a young man decides he is ready to sexually assault a nuclear weapon, what happens next?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, does he rub his penis on it, is there some butt stuff?"
"Does he cup the giant, hard Cold War Era missile’s balls, licking and kissing tenderly to try to work his way into the weapons icy, repressed, and locked heart, or is it just the hardcore butt stuff?"
"It’s fucking rough and disgraceful."
"No sir. Rough, forceful, and disgraceful."
"Tickle, tickles, please?"
"If I may interject here sir, I believe there was a little tickle, tickle."
"Mmm hmmm. Tickle, tickle."
"What the fuck, y’all?"
"Go to hell, Claire."
"Well, that covers that. Greatest country in the world."