Monday, May 6, 2013


A skinny, white kid with a bad haircut and weird eyebrows. Nothing could go wrong here.

A lot of NRA members throw around the phrase “pry it from my cold, dead hands,” but Janet fucking walks the walk.

“Am I waiting for the NRA Leadership Forum to start, or is the NRA Leadership Forum waiting for me to start?”

“Gun violence is out of control in America. What should we do?”

“Let’s hold a gun raffle.”

Let’s hold a gun raffle!

"The second guy said it louder. I support his idea!"

While the rest of America slept in, ate breakfast with their families, played in parks, and placed bets on horses, the silent hand of fate drew ticket #00563, delivering one blessed AR-15 to Karl, who would single-handedly save America from terrorist-commie-liberal-socialist-Marxicans, said the extremely racist and poorly spelled email Karl sent to all his grandkids and extended family. 

Later that night, while frying chicken, Dale’s wife splashed a bit of oil out of the skillet, setting ablaze a giant grease fire. A steely man of pride and his word, Dale stepped up to the challenge and shot the fire with 23 rounds before tossing a homemade grenade at it. 

Please send clothes, food, or donations to the Tellepsen Family YMCA in Downtown Houston. 

If this scenario makes you feel better about your family’s safety in anyway, you must have some seriously fucked up shit going on at your house. Like, sharks everywhere. 

As you read this, there is someone, somewhere, looking at the exact same picture and jacking off like a 5 Hour Energy test monkey.

Sarah Palin claimed that the current efforts towards gun control show how out of touch DC is with real Americans. Just so we’re all on the same page here: 88% of all Americans support expanded background checks, yet the Senate shot it down. Holy shit, she's right.

Until I saw this picture, it never clicked in my head that the “one nation Under God” clause is homoerotic.

If zombie President Obama comes for you from beyond the grave, let’s just say your interpretation of the second amendment is moot.

Life will bring this man problems that bullets cannot fix. Lots of them.

Maybe they’re right, and survival of the fittest is bullshit. 

I once thought that music crossed all boundaries and inherently shared the same good will amongst all people. I thought that it served an inherent good that required no explanation. Fuck you, Ted Nugent fans, for taking the last of my innocence.

“And what about Boston? How many Bonstonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago while the police and FBI successfully did their job of detaining the suspect while no further civilians were harmed? Just image if people like you— raffle winners, guys with gun-shaped guitars, 8 year-old girls, that kid with the bad haircut—just imagine if you had been running wild with guns that whole time, shooting everything that moved. Freedom. FUCKING FREEDOM!”

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