Monday, May 13, 2013


“In the past three days, there has been a lot of talk about the attacks in Benghazi. Now let me make this as clear as possible…”

“This entire situation involves many parties. It involves the White House. It involves the State Department. It involves the CIA. It even involves television broadcasts.”

“Now let me also make this as clear to you as possible. All these people lie to you. They lie to you every day about almost everything. It’s their job. They are politicians, spies, and TV types. What the fuck did you expect?”

“Sometimes we lie to you to protect you. That’s the good stuff. Sometimes we lie to you to protect ourselves. That’s more common. Sometimes we lie to you just because we lie, and it’s what we fucking do. That’s most often the case.”

“We lie to make things easier. We lie to make things smoother. We lie because we’re all so shit deep in an illusion built on lies, that if we told the truth, it would blow your fucking mind like a bullshit smoothie with no lid on the Vitamix. By the way, Vitamix-- total bullshit lie-- it's just a blender.”

“Your life is a lie. All of it. Even for those of you who chose not to live a life of lies, everything is  still  a fucking lie, because our society is so firmly entrenched in a bullshit, manipulated, artificial reality that it is impossible to live an honest existence. Nice pants you’re wearing, three kids died making your chinos, and you just smile like you didn’t know, as you  sip on your blood coffee. Your life is a fucking lie, and those are shitty pants that will fall apart after three washes. I can't believe I have to explain this shit to you. This is basic stuff people."

“Let me give you an example of how many lies I have to tell on a daily basis. Last week, at one meeting I spoke with Stephen Hawking, a crippled Native American, a lady in the Marines, and then there was also some other Indian looking guy there, because we weren't specific enough about what type of Indian we needed in the casting call.”

“There’s the picture. How many times you think I told the truth in that meeting? Not fucking once. ‘Oh, hi Stephen Hawking—you’re fucked. Smartest man in the fucking universe and you’re all fucked up and shit. You can't even talk or take a piss. Have a nice Tuesday. Oh hi, lady Marine back there. Get raped by your commanding officer today while putting your life on the line for your country? Thanks for your service.’ What about the crippled Indian? There isn’t one positive thing you could say to that man that would not be a lie. Other type of Indian we accidentally brought in? ‘Nice to see you, glad we brought you in. This isn’t a totally racially insensitive public relations fuck up. Love the vest.’”

“Back me up here, important British guy.”

“Everything is a lie.”

“Thank you. Ping pong?



Therapy Cat said...

This is hilariously true. And, for the last, time, I'm not an f'in' robot!

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Anonymous said...

Good stuff, you should write for the Onion, if you don't already.