Thursday, May 16, 2013


"Well, here we are again: the Tea Party audits, the Benghazi cover up, and the AP’s phone records. Same shit, different day. Welcome to it."

"Before we begin, I’d like to thank the Prime Minister of Turkey, Tayyip Erdogan, for being here. I’m sure he feels a bit like a child who accidentally showed up to his parents’ divorce mediation to get his allowance. It was all a big misunderstanding, but like hell if anyone’s leaving without their cash. I can’t remember exactly why you’re here Tayyip, but I’m sure it has something to do with us giving you money because you’re basically the only Muslim nation that Americans sort of like."

“I don't knnow- how do you say, ‘Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching?’”

"I’d also like to extend my thanks to the Marines for their service to our nation by holding these umbrellas while they get soaked. All the time and effort you have put into your training has clearly paid off. Fuck my life." 

"First, I’d like to address the IRS audits of Tea Party groups. Were conservative groups wrongly targeted? Yes. But you have to understand, I had absolutely no reason to believe that a federal government agency could accomplish anything on that scale. Surely the Tea Party can see this."

"To the Tea Party, I will say this. Part of your stated mission is to drastically cut or even eliminate the IRS, and you filed for tax exempt status with the IRS and then got audited. What the fuck did think would happen?"

"If I told this guy that I was planning to eliminate the umbrella corps in the Marines, do you think he would still hold this umbrella for me?"

"Calm down, we’re not eliminating the umbrella corps. The umbrella lobby would never let it happen." 

"As for fixing the Internal Revenue Service, we have fired IRS Commissioner Steven Miller, approximately three weeks before he was set to retire. So, yes, he’ll still get his full federal pension. Again, fuck my life." 

"And to the people on the left, why have you given the tea party some sort of trademark on calling bullshit on the federal government? Can’t you just take off your blue jersey for one moment to see how fucked all aspects of the government are?"

"Hi, I’m a journalist. I don’t like the Tea Party, but I also don’t think I like the idea of politically motivated audits. What should I think?"

"Are you fucking serious? Because you look like you're fucking serious, but you can't be fucking serious."

"Ok, back on track here-- as far as Benghazi goes, that was just a simple government fuck up that we attempted to cover up, and then we fucked up the cover up as well. It’s pretty simple, text book government stuff." 

"We released hundreds of pages emails that clearly show that it was all just general governmental incompetence, and we also released several hundred email attachments of Scumbag Steve memes. That’s how the State Department likes to reply. And yes, they always reply all."

"Hi, I’m a journalist. I don’t think I like the cover up of Benghazi, but I did like the story you gave us about a YouTube video starting the whole thing, because it’s new media and interactive and other buzzwords we’re supposed to say. What should I think?"

"Jesus, really? At least this makes me feel better for only being part of the problem. I mean, I knew things were going to be fucked when I started this job, but if I can speak candidly here: things are really, reeeaally fucked. Fucked all over. At this point, I really believe it may be hopeless. But, um, as far as your job goes—I don’t know—how about you just write what happened and publish all the emails in a gallery people can click through. People love to click, and you’ll rack up lots of pageviews." 

"Now, let’s discuss the AP phone tapping. C’mon people. You’re journalists. You’re supposed to be smarter than that. If you use your cell phone to discuss government secrets with a CIA agent, we’re going to listen. We’re always listening. It’s what we do. Did you even read that shit you wrote about the Patriot Act? Or did you just publish the talking points the government sent you without reading them? Never mind, I know the answer."

"Hi, I’m a journalist, and my phone recently died, and I lost all my contacts. Could you send me your copy?"


"And finally, to the Republican congressmen complaining that we are monitoring their communications in the House, I would like to say this: some of you have very interesting internet search histories. I believe we’re done here."

"Ok. Now, how much you need slugger?"

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